ALISTAIR WILL MANAGE JUST FINE by Mark Hateful

I have to say I’m not surprised I read that Alistair McCoist was to become the new manager of Rangers – I had a newspaper in my hands at the time.

If my old strike partner fell in a tin of salmon he’d come out smelling like he did most mornings at training. Alistair always did like a little night out but when it came to doing the business on the park he was never lacking.

The announcement was of course tinged with more than a little sadness as it confirms that my old gaffer Walter Smith will definitely be retiring in the summer – if it were up to me I’d tell him to go upstairs immediately. I’d also like him to stay on at Ibrox in some capacity too.

Back to Alistair though and after the disappointment of Sunday’s game against Celtic yesterday’s news will give everyone at Rangers a massive lift and one which may just propel them all the way to the SPL title.

Some may look at him and wonder if he can take the job seriously enough but beyond that cheeky chappie exterior beats the heart of a strict disciplinarian. I think some of the players at Ibrox will be in for a rude awakening when my old strike partner brings their wives and girlfriends home at 7am.

Alistair will have to be his own man – nobody should be able to tell him how to do his job or how to structure his side, even a former striker who feels he could get a job working with the current forwards. No, Alistair has to do it HIS way or nor at all.

Speaking of which, my old partner in the showers should watch out for the shadier side of the business. I remember getting a telephone call from someone in my days at Ibrox regarding an upcoming match against Marseilles. He said to me: “I am French. I am offering you one million pounds not to play in the game against Marseilles. This is a bribe”.

I pondered over the call and after a while could only deduce that someone wanted me to take money for not playing against Marseille. Alistair could do worse than heed my advice on this matter – but I stress he has to be his own man in the job.

So as we prepare for Walter Smith’s brown brogues of dignity to make their way down the marble staircase of tradition for the last time, we are consoled by the fact that Alistair McCoist will be filling his managerial chair for the start of next season.

Lock up your daughters, wives, Mothers and Grandmothers. It is going to be a rollercoaster ride. But you know what – strap me in.

As told to James' Trainers

The BIG talking point

Will Brian Kennedy make a difference to Rangers?

James Traynor – I have it on good authority that it will. With the Sale Shark owner ready to invest it will make the SFL the most powerful league in the world with Rangers leading from the front. Neil Lennon and Celtic will be left to wander like lost souls in the barren wasteland called the SPL and I am the Prince of Saturn.

Richard Wilson – Money is undoubtedly currency so the riches are untold for Rangers with Kennedy’s latest pledge. Lavish prizes will be on offer as the mighty Ibrox club rises like a Herald journalist in a private consultation with Sir David Murray. There is no limit for the new Rangers now as muscles are flexed and pawns moved in the ultimate game of poker. The victor will be the one who keeps a straight face whilst revealing his hand.

Chick Young – Walter Smith simply must be behind this new mega-bid for the Govan based behemoths. He hasn’t telephoned me but this simply must mean that his phone has been switched of in the ultimate game of cloak-and-dagger. Brian Kennedy has more moves than Mick Jagger on acidic substances and Smith will be pulling the strings like a dignified puppeteer whilst negotiating a deal with Lionel Messi as we speak.

Bill Leckie – Sale Sharks? More like Bought Brilliance. Ally McCoist must have woken up like a wean on Christmas Day as he heard of this latest bid for the club he loves. And you just know that stalwarts like Lee McCulloch, who doesn’t so much wear his heart on his sleeve he digs it out with a knife and places it there every day, can’t wait for the season to start with Ken’s billions now at the club. With Briano at the helm there’s no telling what can happen – eh bhoys?

SPL CLUBS MUST DO THE RIGHT THING by James' Trainers

As the chairmen of the SPL clubs file into Hampden tomorrow a stark choice awaits them. Do or die.

They have been given a pointer by Charles Green who knows that a top division without a strong, vibrant Rangers will see the Scottish game wither and die like a flower denied light or water. It simply cannot be allowed to happen.

Green has made the ultimate sacrifice by offering a range of compromises but until tomorrow he does not know if this will see those with the future of the game in their hands see sense.

Perhaps they will as a no vote for Rangers will see a tidal wave sweep over the entire country and destroy all their stadiums, maybe as early as this weekend.

This cannot be allowed to happen as what we previously knew as football in this country will be extinguished and we will be plunged into eternal darkness and torment. Famine and plagues will follow but this can be avoided tomorrow if these men will only do the right thing and vote yes.

Green has done the honourable thing and offered many incentives including making an apology in public but you get the feeling those with agendas who will remain unnamed, namely Peter Lawwell, would see him in stocks down London Road for evermore and this is sad.

There is no more Green can do except watch on at our national stadium tomorrow as decisions which could fracture our country are made in his presence. This amiable Yorkshireman will feel as helpless as the rest of us as boxes are ticked or crossed.

Ask yourselves this question and then think once more. Have Rangers, with the retention of Kirk Broadfoot in their squad, not been punished enough already?

The SPL clubs have it in their hands to become men of legend tomorrow by admitting Rangers to their top table. They must offer to break bread with Green or the world as we know it will end.

BLOW THE LEAGUE WIDE OPEN by Waddling Gordon

There’s a bit in a film I saw on the telly one time years ago. A man had a gun and he was holding it to someone’s head urging him to do something.

I though of that movie today as the SPL chairmen meet to vote on a Rangers newco being allowed into the league. The gun is being held by supporters desperate to see the Ibrox men punished for what they see as cheating.

But the rub is – they’ve been punished already. Banished from Europe and losing players like Steve Davis, Allan McGregor and Steven Naismith seems pretty severe to me but folk want more.

Ah, misty-eyed memories of Falkirk winning the cup and playing footie with my Uncles and cousins in the garden at 5.30am because we were SO excited we couldn’t even sleep!

So who sets the rules for the punishment of Rangers? The SPL, SFL and SFA have played a game of pass the parcel with the prize being responsibility.

Were Gers to be allowed back into the SPL it would solve a LOAD of arse-scratching and free lunches. Third division, first division, sanctions, Sky deals, blah blah fiddle-dee-dee blah.

When we need strong leadership we get Buddy Holly airlines piloted by John Denver.

Simple decision on Wednesday is for Celtic and all the rest to place a yes vote in the wee box and job done, Scottish football saved and Bob’s your Auntie’s special friend when hubby is away on the rigs.

By the way, the guy in the film got his brain blown out and he died. Just saying, like.

GERS SET TO DROP IN by Jack Keithson

Rangers are set to be parachuted into the SFL next season – literally.

Players such as Lee McCulloch, Kirk Broadfoot and Lee Wallace will be dropped from a giant RAF Hercules plane onto the pitch at Ibrox to celebrate the opening of the new season.

With Newco Gers set to play their first game at home even though the fixtures have yet to be sorted out SFL chiefs were keen to afford a special welcome to the new members of the league.

A source said last night: “Top brass at the league were keen to show their appreciation to Rangers for gracing the lower leagues with their presence and this seems ideal. It was also armed forces day on Saturday so this could be a late celebration of that too.

“The players will be fully kitted out so they can rip of their parachutes and line up for kick-off and where better than Ibrox for this to happen?

“It’s not every season you welcome Rangers to your league”.

In a further bizarre twist, it has emerged that Celtic boss Neil Lennon will NOT enter the bidding for Barcelona star Lionel Messi this season plunging the Irishman’s future at the club into doubt.

It is the latest in a series of body blows for the long-suffering Parkhead supporters who could only watch on as stars like Korean international Cha Du-Ri left the club for NOTHING earlier this year.

GATTUSO RETURNS TO EARN HIS STRIPES

RICHARD WILSON

11.43am 8th June 2012


Rino Gattuso sees Glasgow as his spiritual home.

The Italian midfielder, undeniably a footballer, yearns for a return to Ibrox where he saw his career blossom like a flower denied water and light.

The prodigious talent began his career with home side Perugia making 10 appearances in 2 seasons which caught the studious eye of Rangers manager Walter Smith. 

Rangers awaited the youngster who displayed an inflexible versatility not taking the first team by storm whatsoever. It was this dynamic lethargy which made the Italian superstar a legend within minutes of arriving in Glasgow.

It was no surprise to the few that had watched Gattuso’s career trajectory to see him feature so strongly for his new club. Raised by tigers from birth and taught by them to run around in circles it was clear Rangers would be his chosen club eventually.

That he only stayed for one season caused mass outpourings of grief all over the world and on the day he departed the Glasgow giants John Greig’s statue didn’t crack weep in the slightest.

Now the Italian legend looks set to return to the place he called home when he was living there. The familiar tenacious traits will endear him once more to the Ibrox legions who remember him with fond vagueness.

The world remains Gattuso’s oyster in Glasgow and contained are the pearls of wisdom which will unlock the secrets of the Champions League.

LEGGO GLAND giving it to you twisted

Oh dear readers of proud Britannia, my head throbs violently today, like the violent rule of the Vatican of Rome!

As last night I attended a special exclusive club, where I imbibed several gallons of Anglo Saxon real ale, and other fluids besides, with a passion.

A PASSION THAT ALLY MCCOIST WILL INSTILL IN HIS PLAYERS NEXT SEASON!

For the new Rangers boss needs to fire up his men, or invite me to do it for him.

No doubt over at Parkhead, Neil Lennon, the manager of Celtic, will urge his men to attend mass before every game played at their home ground.

A MASS CONDUCTED BY POPE BENEDICT HIMSELF AND SEVERAL NUNS!

But it is matters at Ibrox that populate my thoughts, in my head, which was still thumping like my leg, against my desk, as I watch my DVD of Rangers greatest communal baths.

In fact, a letter arrived to me today, through my letterbox, in an envelope, with my name on it.

It was an invite to all press conferences at the home of Rangers next season, cunningly disguised by the new owner as freshly laid animal faeces, which dripped onto my socks making them reminiscent of Walter Smith’s finest brogues.

What an honour, and one which led me to my drinks cabinet once more, where I salvaged the last of my paint thinner and supped it heartily.

BUT THIS LED TO HUNGER!

I decided to walk into the dear Green place for some traditional British fare, the humble fish supper.

Walking towards me was a man and woman carrying what looked like suppers of fish, but I could not be certain, of which fruit of the seas they had bought.

I doffed my cap and asked the female whether the aroma coming from her was haddock or cod, as the smell was making my mouth water.

As I recovered in hospital with multiple fractures, I cursed the very name of Odious Creep.