LEGGO GLAND giving it to you twisted

Oh dear readers of proud Britannia, my head throbs violently today, like the violent rule of the Vatican of Rome!

As last night I attended a special exclusive club, where I imbibed several gallons of Anglo Saxon real ale, and other fluids besides, with a passion.

A PASSION THAT ALLY MCCOIST WILL INSTILL IN HIS PLAYERS NEXT SEASON!

For the new Rangers boss needs to fire up his men, or invite me to do it for him.

No doubt over at Parkhead, Neil Lennon, the manager of Celtic, will urge his men to attend mass before every game played at their home ground.

A MASS CONDUCTED BY POPE BENEDICT HIMSELF AND SEVERAL NUNS!

But it is matters at Ibrox that populate my thoughts, in my head, which was still thumping like my leg, against my desk, as I watch my DVD of Rangers greatest communal baths.

In fact, a letter arrived to me today, through my letterbox, in an envelope, with my name on it.

It was an invite to all press conferences at the home of Rangers next season, cunningly disguised by the new owner as freshly laid animal faeces, which dripped onto my socks making them reminiscent of Walter Smith’s finest brogues.

What an honour, and one which led me to my drinks cabinet once more, where I salvaged the last of my paint thinner and supped it heartily.

BUT THIS LED TO HUNGER!

I decided to walk into the dear Green place for some traditional British fare, the humble fish supper.

Walking towards me was a man and woman carrying what looked like suppers of fish, but I could not be certain, of which fruit of the seas they had bought.

I doffed my cap and asked the female whether the aroma coming from her was haddock or cod, as the smell was making my mouth water.

As I recovered in hospital with multiple fractures, I cursed the very name of Odious Creep.

McCoist in "secret player" swoop by Robert Aggrieved

Ally McCoist will step up his search for new talent in the wake of last night’s elimination from the Champions League by Malmo.

The Rangers boss has said he will leave “no curling stone unturned” as he looks to bolster his squad for the gruelling season ahead.

Although the club lost out on a potential £15m windfall last night Craig Whyte remains a Motherwell born tycoon and McCoist will demand a meeting to clarify just how much he will have to spend before the transfer window slams shut at the end of August.

It is understood Annan Athletic have rejected two bids for their reserve goalkeeper as McCoist looks to keep Allan McGregor on his toes but the Ibrox boss has warned he will not be held to ransom over the deal.

In a new strategy McCoist will travel all over Lanarkshire and Dundee this week taking in games on public parks in the hope of landing the next Jim Baxter who at one time would have played on a public park when he was a small child with his pals.

Explaining his new approach to recruitment, McCoist said: “If I can spot the new Dalglish or Broadfoot watching these games then it will all be worth it. If someone catches my eye I’ll give them a chance. Ball control like Patsy Kensit eh, eh, eh!”

Finally conceding defeat in the chase for David Goodwillie was hard to accept for McCoist but he admitted it finally hit him when he saw the player in a Blackburn jersey this morning.

“We’ll put a ninth bid in this evening” he said tapping his nose.

Don't dash our xmas dreams! Parents in plea to ref by Huge Neevkins

Referee Dougie McDonald is in hot water with Mums and Dads throughout Scotland after revealing in a radio interview that Santa Claus doesn’t exist.

In the wake of the controversy we decided to ask top Scottish managers their opinions on what Dougie had revealed, with some startling results.

Rangers manager Walter Smith wasn’t particularly surprised by McDonald’s revelations. “I’ve suspected for some time there was no Santa but as someone who gets presents every time we play a game of football it doesn’t bother me. I won’t have anyone question the existence of say The Loch Ness Monster though.”

Hearts boss Jim Jeffries laughed off the claims. “Nae Santa? Aye right! Next you’ll be claimin Tynecastle is goin tae be knocked doon for hooses!”

Rookie St Mirren manager Danny Lennon conceded that McDonald had a point. “Tell me this, how come theres loads of Santas in shops and stuff near Christmas and theres only meant to be one? I think its just folk in suits.”

Veteran Craig Brown, going great guns with Motherwell, offered this view. “Statistically there is just no way Santa Claus can circumnavigate the earth in the 24 hours offered by Chistmas Eve, so Dougie’s integrity is intact with this one”

Ex-Dundee Utd legend Jim McLean shook his head when he heard the claims. “Of course there is a Santa – in fact there is an established system on Lapland where he is the number one, with all his elves on 25 year contracts to be his helpers. Any elves turning up late or found to be stealing presents will be hit by a fine, and asked to exercise the reindeer for 24 hours solid.”

Dunfermline Director Of Football Jim Leishman offered a unique take on the claims.

No Santa Clause? Whatever next!

No fairies, pixies or ghosts exist?

Is Christmas dashed, is Yuletide destroyed?

Oh we cannot deny our kids their toys!

Please, please Dougie change your words

Just like in the papers, you lying turd

Turks in Brown swoop shock! by Jack Keithson

Turkish giants Galatasaray could enter the bidding for want away Celtic captain Scott Brown.

Brown has just given birth to his first son and the chance of a new life in Turkey will appeal to him and his wife Lisa.

Old pal Kenny Miller plays in Turkey and Brown has never hidden a burning desire to join him. And although he insisted he was happy at Celtic only last week he had his fingers crossed behind his back as he did so.

Brown’s best pal Kevin Thomson, currently at Middlesbrough, could conceivably be a signing target for a Turkish club in the future and this could clinch a deal for mega rich Gala.

Former Leicester star Muzzy Izzet used to play for Turkey and of course Martin O’Neill was his manager once, and of course he also managed Celtic. Brown currently plays for Celtic. You do the maths.

Interest in Brown has heightened since it became apparent that Ally McCoist doesn’t have a pot to piss in and it is believed all other Celtic stars are up for sale as long as this continues.

Craig Whtye continues to own a castle in Speyside.

Strachan - technology drove me out of football

Gordon Strachan felt the world was against him. Not the world of football he had lived in since his days at Dundee but the wide, wide world – the REAL world.

Not the non-PC internet land where the mouse wielding gangsters wage their war against all things real. This was the world Strachan thought existed for real men.

The ex-Celtic boss bristles at the thought of computers running the land. “When I started playing you had a ball, a pair of boots and a senior pro beating you on a daily basis. Now, you have the senior pro’s ordering boots on the internets. It’s not the world I grew up in”.

It’s easy to take yourself back to the world Strachan is talking about, where smoking in pubs and taking lager to the match was the norm. Old school? Strachan spent time behind the bike sheds with Queen Victoria.

“I remember when I was at Aberdeen, and the story went that Alex Ferguson threw tea cups in the dressing room. Wrong – he threw TEA at us, gallons of boiling hot tea. Did it do us any harm? Well I can show you a winner’s medal against Madrid.”

Strachan had grand plans for Middlesbrough, the side he too charge of after the random access memory reprobates drove him out of the club he loved. The experience turned sour after he learned that even Boro fans had access to the internet – or the devilnet as he calls it now.

“We were doing great down there me and Penders. I had players I could depend on like Calds, Robbo, Boydie and Mick. Then I discovered that in the North East technology was everywhere – even the team bus had a DVD player on it. It wasn’t the world I grew up in. It drove me out in the end”.

A spat with a female supporter was the last straw. Old school? Strachan played hopscotch with Anne of Cleaves.

“A supporter – a woman, or at least I think she was – questioned my style of football. I told her my wife had watched 5000 games and had never voiced an opinion so she should shut up and get a cleaning job or something. It’s dangerous out there, they give them jobs in offices and hospitals with computers and keyboards. You have to be careful. They are watching me, all day every day. With computers”.

CELTS STARS SET TO GO SOUTH chaos at Parkhead

Every club in the EPL is ready to swoop for any Celtic player having a decent season, Sunsportunderstands.

With old firm rivals Rangers set to lose their major stars in January it looks as though scouts will be flocking to Celtic Park in a bitter blow to Neil Lennon.

Youngster James Forrest is attracting attention and will be sold to Liverpool, Bolton or Newcastle along with returning talisman Emilio Izaguirre.

The news is a further twist of the knife for the Parkhead faithful who were hopeful of keeping their star men in the face of Rangers losing top players like Nikica Jelavic and Allan McGregor.

With others such as Gary Hooper (Manchester City or Wigan) and Beram Kayal (QPR or Spurs) set to leave the potential 10 point deduction for the Ibrox men doesn’t look anywhere near as damaging as it should be.

The stunning news is a massive boost to Ally McCoist who will be handed a whopping £25m war chest in January to rebuild his side.

Keith Jackson

ALISTAIR WILL MANAGE JUST FINE by Mark Hateful

I have to say I’m not surprised I read that Alistair McCoist was to become the new manager of Rangers – I had a newspaper in my hands at the time.

If my old strike partner fell in a tin of salmon he’d come out smelling like he did most mornings at training. Alistair always did like a little night out but when it came to doing the business on the park he was never lacking.

The announcement was of course tinged with more than a little sadness as it confirms that my old gaffer Walter Smith will definitely be retiring in the summer – if it were up to me I’d tell him to go upstairs immediately. I’d also like him to stay on at Ibrox in some capacity too.

Back to Alistair though and after the disappointment of Sunday’s game against Celtic yesterday’s news will give everyone at Rangers a massive lift and one which may just propel them all the way to the SPL title.

Some may look at him and wonder if he can take the job seriously enough but beyond that cheeky chappie exterior beats the heart of a strict disciplinarian. I think some of the players at Ibrox will be in for a rude awakening when my old strike partner brings their wives and girlfriends home at 7am.

Alistair will have to be his own man – nobody should be able to tell him how to do his job or how to structure his side, even a former striker who feels he could get a job working with the current forwards. No, Alistair has to do it HIS way or nor at all.

Speaking of which, my old partner in the showers should watch out for the shadier side of the business. I remember getting a telephone call from someone in my days at Ibrox regarding an upcoming match against Marseilles. He said to me: “I am French. I am offering you one million pounds not to play in the game against Marseilles. This is a bribe”.

I pondered over the call and after a while could only deduce that someone wanted me to take money for not playing against Marseille. Alistair could do worse than heed my advice on this matter – but I stress he has to be his own man in the job.

So as we prepare for Walter Smith’s brown brogues of dignity to make their way down the marble staircase of tradition for the last time, we are consoled by the fact that Alistair McCoist will be filling his managerial chair for the start of next season.

Lock up your daughters, wives, Mothers and Grandmothers. It is going to be a rollercoaster ride. But you know what – strap me in.

As told to Keith Jackson

LEGGO GLAND giving it to you twisted

I was settling down to my traditional breakfast of rashers and brandy when i spotted, from my eyes, someone walking along my garden path.

Was it the head of the Roman Catholic Church in Scotland, delivering pamphlets detailing evil Easter services?

Or could it be Pope Benedict himself, ready to preach his prophecies of hate on my doorstep?

Or perhaps even Odious Creep, lining my path with communion candles, designed to burn my feet as I walked out minding my own business?

Lo and behold, it was the postman, delivering a package, addressed to myself, at my address.

What did the package contain? Could it be the long awaited Walter Smith book, which would replace the crusty old copies of the Rangers News in my bed chamber?

Or perhaps the complete memoirs of Pastor Jack Glass, complete with discreetly placed naked photo signed by the man himself?

My hands trembled as I opened it, so I downed another brandy, and ripped the box open, as I would rip the cardigan from Walter Smith’s torso.

To my delight, it contained a bottle of red wine, complete with a note which congratulated me on my daily blog, signed Martin.

Ah, recognition at last! My friend Martin Bain had sent me a bottle of the finest red, straight from no doubt Sir David Murray’s personal collection.

I supped lustily from the bottle and read the note once more, and recoiled in horror as I read the label more carefully – communion wine!

And not from Martin Bain, but from Martin O’Neill, who had signed his surname on the back of the note – no doubt on the instruction of Odious Creep, who once again had got one over on me.

Creep wins again – but my ongoing war with him has now reached a new phase.

McCOIST IN HARDBALL FURY by Robert Aggrieved

Furious Rangers last night threatened to pull out of the proposed transfer of American super star Carlos Bocanegra after his club St Etienne upped the transfer fee.

The Ibrox club believed a deal worth £400,000 had been agreed with his club St Etienne and were ready to name the USA captain in the squad for the Europa League formality tie tomorrow night.

The French cracks then threw a last minute spanner into the works by demanding £401,000 – with the extra to be paid in a LUMP SUM.

A frantic series of phone calls between Gordon Smith and boss Ally McCoist failed to resolve the matter and late last night the deal hung in the balance.

It is though Motherwell billionaire Craig Whyte will personally jet in from his Speyside castle to personally take control as he personally sees Bocanegra as a vital part of any future success personally.

McCoist was remaining tight lipped last night as he told us: “We remain hopeful that something can be done to resolve the matter but we won’t be held to ransom. We want the player and we believe he wants to come but his club need to play baseball here instead of lumping more and more on the transfer fee.”

CELTS STRUGGLE AT LOVE STREET by Leccy Bill

Sometimes this game leaves you wondering what it’s all about.

Take St Mirren Park on Sunday, where the chill in the air made it feel more like November than the end of August.

But the ill wind blew in more than just cold. It introduced the usual band of IRA loving sweethearts who wouldn’t know semtex from sweetex.

And that’s the rub. After Celtic went two nil up from a sclaff by Hooper which somehow ended up in the net they were in full voice, a hateful choir conducted by their snarling, snapping manager on the touchline.

Instead of increasing their lead though the away side retreated into their bigoted shells and invited St Mirren to attack them.

And boy did they attack. A black and white maelstrom of non-sectarianism powered forward and only poor refereeing, lucky defending and the shameful chanting from the away hordes prevented Saints from scoring six.

Referee Willie Collum denied the home side three penalties whilst allowing two perfectly good Celtic goals. At one point I’m sure I saw hip lip synch with the away support, which is all well and good if he’s at Ibrox.

Saints will take heart from this defeat and knowing they have the decent Lennon as manager, a man who knows how to wear a suit and tie.

As for Celtic, they saluted their fans at the end and surely knew this would be their last win of the season, a season which promises a treble for Ally McCoist.

But I’m sure they’ll console themselves with songs of diddly-dee hatred.

And a potato.

Muscat: McKay is "the new me"

Rangers will be signing the Australian Pele if they land Matt McKay this week.

That’s the view of former Ger Kevin Muscat who knows McKay well from their brief spell together for the Australian national side in 2006.

As well as his skills with a football Muscat reckons McKay will have the Ibrox dressing room in stitches with his hilarious impressions of Lizzie Birdsworth and Bea Smith from Prisoner Cell Block H.

Speaking exclusively to Sunsport from a bar in Melbourne Muscat said: “There’s no doubt in my mind that Matt will take the SPL by one hell of a storm. He’s not known as the Australian Pele but he is to me – that’s how highly I rate the bloke.”

Muscat has fond memories of his time at Ibrox and revealed McKay phoned him for advice over the move.

“Well he never exactly phoned me but I imagined a call from him and what I would have said, which was to literally walk to Ibrox right away. These chances don’t come along too often, especially for the Australian Pele like McKay. He’ll LOVE it at Ibrox”

Muscatt then laughed as he remembered his old pal doing impressions of various Aussie soap stars.

“He did a brilliant Lizzie from Cell Block H but the crowning glory was Fisher from Home & Away and Madge Ramsay from Neighbours. His Nell Mangle wasn’t so hot though, he never got the look right. He kept us going during International week I can tell you mate.”

We contacted McKay at home and he confirmed talks were ongoing with the Ibrox club. He also called Kevin Muscat a “lying hacking thug with one brain cell”.

LENNY MUST FACE THE TRUTH AND PACK UP NOW by Foggy Rosyth

What is it about this man that causes them to vault the barriers at football grounds and attack him?

Never before has this happened at a football ground anywhere in the world so in that respect Lennon is unique. The incident at Tynecastle begs the question: does he bring it on himself?

To answer this we simply must bring up the name of Martin O’Neill, simply because he is another Irish Catholic who was involved with Celtic, and didn’t receive bombs, bullets or indeed death threats.

So it simply must be down to Lennon. Is it the snarling face, which reminds you of great Protestant achievers of the past paradoxically, which causes normally sane people to lose their minds for a second?

Or was it his disgraceful behaviour at Parkhead on March 2^nd, when he had to be restrained after brutally flooring Ally McCoist with a vicious head butt?

One can also think back to Tynecastle in November when he became the first manager to shout at a referee. One can only wonder what was said but the abuse was so bad that he was sent to the stand. It is not beyond the realms of possibility that Wednesday’s attacker was kicked and punched by the Celtic boss as he made his way to his seat.

And, let’s not forget, on the day that an attempt was made on his life in the shape of an explosive package, he put his hands to his ears in what can only be described as an act of war and one which should have seen him in the dock – or the stocks.

Lennon can point to the fact he is an Irish Catholic. That, despite my best efforts, cannot be disputed or denied. But he doesn’t help himself when he wears a tracksuit on the touchline and openly shouts instructions to players in that Irish drawl that really grates, like fingers down a blackboard.

Really, you would come to the conclusion that any manager called Neil Lennon, a situation like this, should pack up and go.

Go home.

KAYAL IN QUIT STORM by Waddelly Gordon

Beram Kayal yesterday dodged all questions on his new contract the way he dodges responsibility on the field of play.

Asked a straight question about the possibility of him signing a new deal the Israeli midfielder bluntly blanked the assembled reporters.

“I will be signing a new contact this week and couldn’t be happier” growled the 23 year old.

Punching a junior photographer the playmaker continued: “Celtic ishe team for me, I’ve negotiated a 10 year extension to my current deal and I’m looking forward to the season. Wait a second, that’s my estate agent on the phone about the new house I’m buying in Glasgow”

Kayal knows the support will be devastated after the loss to Sion on Thursday and wishes he could do something to help but his football will be played elsewhere after Wednesday, possibly Bolton.

Baring his arse to the room in a provocative gesture the departing star said evasively: “Now I can concentrate fully on playing for the club I love you will see the best of Beram Kayal. Hold on that’s a text from the company that’s moving all my extended family over into houses I’ve bought for them all over Scotland. Excellent, they’re arriving this week. You must excuse me”

It is another dagger through the black hearts of the IRA support that will struggle to comprehend their club selling yet another asset whilst arch rivals Rangers sweep the boards this season.

LEGGO GLAND giving it to you twisted

Where was Odious Creep when the splendid Rangers chairman, Alastair Johnston, was giving his press conference on Friday?

Was he enjoying brunch with Cardinal Keith O’Brien at a secret convent somewhere?

Or indeed supping communion wine with Stewart Regan and Peter Lawwell whilst plotting his next anti-Rangers story?

I decided that I must find out, and took to the streets of the East End of Glasgow, where surely Creep was lurking.

Was he propping up the bar in Bairds, drinking Oirish ale and regaling stories of time spent in the old country?

Or maybe visiting a housewife, her husband working hard in Govan, trying to get into her bedchamber using his slithery ways, discarding his corduroys of hate as he goes?

To walk the streets of the East End, I would have to don yet ANOTHER disguise, and it would have to feature the green of Ireland, which would burn my Presbyterian skin, but it would surely take me to Creep.

Where better to find a suitable garment, that the Celtic Park shop, where I cold peruse the sales rack, as I am a tight old bastard.

The only thing in my price range, was a pair of Celtic pyjamas, so I made my purchase, and set off into the street, to relentlessly pursue the Odious one.

It started to pour with rain, but I felt it strangely cleansing my burning skin, so I removed my pyjama top, and started to dance in triumph, for I knew Creep was within my grasp.

A white van approached – was this Creep, travelling with the head of the Roman Catholic Church, saying mobile masses?

Two men jumped out, with a large net, and bundled me into the van. Were they followers of Creep I asked?

They told me that any questions, I had, would be answered, at the institution we were heading to!

A guest at Ibrox at last – stick that in your incense burner and smoke it, Creep!

LECK 'EM HAVE IT by Leccy Bill

With half an hour to go at Easter Road you could have picked your seat.

Neil Lennon should have tried one out for size seeing as his holiday from the dugout is approaching.

He would probably complain it was the wrong size or shape though. That’s the way he is these days.

He had just watched his side beat Hibs by 3 goals to nil and you can bet your last British pound that he was complaining about something or other.

It’s in his nature. He can’t help himself.

He’s the ginger whinger, the Irish irritant.

With Gary Hooper taking 3 touches before eventually squeezing in the opener, Lennon would be better off coaching rather than complaining.

Not that I’m bothered, I hate the bigot brothers and the so-called EssPeeEll. Couldn’t give a flying monkeys toss about them. Really I couldn’t, honest.

So when Anthony Stokes stroked home a soft penalty then got lucky with a hooked shot you can take it as read that carrot top was bumping his gums to someone about it.

Me? I really wanted this report to be all about the football, the brilliant passes, the stunning goals, the moments that got you OFF your seat not out of them and home by half time.

But again it’s all about referees, linesmen, the corrupt SFA and Oirish music played at top speed to drunken louts in plastic pubs.

Lennon? He won’t care, he’s too busy complaining that his beer is too flat or the jukebox is too loud.

Enjoy the game from the stand, Neil.

You won’t find me complaining about that.

IT'S ALL NICEY FOR WEISSY new Gers star is best in the world by MARK HATELEY

There it stood reaching skywards for all to see at Easter Road yesterday, a proud defiant erection which sent out a message of hope.

That’s enough about my reaction to the debut of Vladimir Weiss for now but I’ll return to it later. It would not be right to just focus on the performance of one player though. Yesterday my former club were simply irresistible.

The SPL trophy was retained with a clinical demolition job of hapless Hibernian. My old gaffer Walter Smith has manufactured a side this season in his own image which means dignity, honesty, courage and integrity allied to no little skill. This could well be the year the European Cup rests in the Ibrox trophy cabinet.

Bear in mind this stunning victory was achieved in the face of severe provocation from a Hibernian side fashioned by ex-Celtic player John Hughes. A vicious cranium nod by serial thug and former Celt Derek Riordan left Rangers keeper Alan McGregor fuming and it was only the fact he quickly got to his feet that saved Riordan from being sent packing.

Kyle Lafferty too was victim of grievous bodily harm by a football which is one of the worst things a fellow professional can do to another. Lafferty is to be commended for his mild reaction to this most disgusting of acts and will surely now win the coveted player of the year award at the end of the season.

Luckily Kenneth Miller overcame the thuggish tactics from his former club and put them to the sword of dignity with a trio of goals. Walter may find himself having to use a sword to repel bids from Barcelona and Inter if his stunning form continues.

Then there was Weiss, the youngster with the footballing world at his feet of integrity who put in a performance reminiscent of Maradona in his prime. Even though I’ve never met him I know he is a man of courage who speaks 12 languages and funds orphanages in his native Slovakia. It is this type of player my wily old grey haired gaffer needs for this coming campaign.

So engravers everywhere, sharpen your tools. Put down your newspapers. Finish your lunches. And get the name of Rangers on the SPL trophy for 2010/2011

As told to James Traynor

TOP SCOTS REF IN HOT WATER WITH PARENTS AFTER "NO SANTA" CLAIMS

Referee Dougie McDonald is in hot water with Mums and Dads throughout Scotland after revealing in a radio interview that Santa Claus doesn’t exist.

In the wake of the controversy we decided to ask top Scottish managers their opinions on what Dougie had revealed, with some startling results.

Rangers manager Walter Smith wasn’t particularly surprised by McDonald’s revelations. “I’ve suspected for some time there was no Santa but as someone who gets presents every time we play a game of football it doesn’t bother me. I won’t have anyone question the existence of say The Loch Ness Monster though.”

Hearts boss Jim Jeffries laughed off the claims. “Nae Santa? Aye right! Next you’ll be claimin Tynecastle is goin tae be knocked doon for hooses!”

Rookie St Mirren manager Danny Lennon conceded that McDonald had a point. “Tell me this, how come theres loads of Santas in shops and stuff near Christmas and theres only meant to be one? I think its just folk in suits.”

Veteran Craig Brown, going great guns with Motherwell, offered this view. “Statistically there is just no way Santa Claus can circumnavigate the earth in the 24 hours offered by Chistmas Eve, so Dougie’s integrity is intact with this one”

Ex-Dundee Utd legend Jim McLean shook his head when he heard the claims. “Of course there is a Santa – in fact there is an established system on Lapland where he is the number one, with all his elves on 25 year contracts to be his helpers. Any elves turning up late or found to be stealing presents will be hit by a fine, and asked to exercise the reindeer for 24 hours solid.”

Dunfermline Director Of Football Jim Leishman offered a unique take on the claims.

No Santa Clause? Whatever next!

No fairies, pixies or ghosts exist?

Is Christmas dashed, is Yuletide destroyed?

Oh we cannot deny our kids their toys!

Please, please Dougie change your words

Just like in the papers, you lying turd

RANGERS IN GUARD OF HONOUR TRIBUTE

Remember when the might Manchester United held Rangers to a draw despite Walter Smith's men attacking them for 90 minutes last season? You don't?

Dundee United will form a guard of honour to welcome Rangers onto the pitch at Ibrox this Saturday, Record Sport understands.

Players and officials, including manager Peter Houston, will applaud their opponents as they emerge from the tunnel in recognition of their brilliant achievement at Old Trafford earlier this week.

Also in attendance shall be top brass from UEFA who will present each of the heroic warriors who held Manchester United to a draw with a commemorative medal and shield.

And, in a move which will surely enrage the hardcore element of the Rangers support, it has emerged that secret talks have been held with the CATHOLIC CHURCH after they were informed of the result at Old Trafford. Vatican officals are keen to see whether it can be registered as an official MIRACLE.

After the match which Rangers win 5-0 there will be an open topped bus on hand but instead of a parade the vehicle will simply be parked for 90 minutes.

IZYY STAYING? IZZY HELL! defender wants out and wants out NOW!

By Jack Keithson

Celtic defender Emilio Izagguire last night issued a “come and get me” plea to every club in the EPL.

The Honduran, who added the SPL player of the year title to the PFA one already secured on Sunday, now looks certain to leave Glasgow in a £6m deal after only one year in the city.

In a move sure to enrage Parkhead supporters and his manager Neil Lennon, Izagguire lambasted the standard in Scotland’s top league and vowed never to return in the future, even to do the half time draw.

Speaking exclusively to Record Sport last night, Izagguire said: “I am overjoyed to win this second award and now I must concentrate only on winning the double with Celtic, the club I have fallen in love with and will never leave. I am so, so happy to be here”.

With Premiership big guns Liverpool, Manchester United and Everton waiting in the wings to secure the Honduran’s signature it looks certain that the Scottish Cup final will be the last time Parkhead fans see their favourite in a hoops jersey.

“My family are happy here, I am happy here, the planets have aligned and I feel now this is my home. I have absolutely no desire to leave here at any time in the future, especially to England. I am 100% happy, happy, happy la la la la la!”

With just five appearances left, including a Hampden final, many Celtic fans will feel short changed after seeing the Honduran’s talents for only one fleeting season.

Izagguire, though, doesn’t see it that way and feels it is up to him to further his career.

“I’m ready to sign a new ten year deal to stay here straight after this interview” said the departing double prize winning defender.

Aberdeen Don For By Poor Refereeing.... Celts a disgrace in 3-0 stroll

By Robert Aggrieved and Leccy Bill

They say football is all about eleven versus eleven.

Unless of course you happen to be Celtic.

Then you have a whistle happy referee reducing the opposition to ten men and making the game a FARCICAL MESS.

I wanted to write about the goals scored by Aberdeen today, the pieces of skill, the outrageous showboating, the look of horror on Neil Lennon’s coupon.

Instead yet again I’m writing about a Celtic victory achieved only after Aberdeen saw their numbers cut after TWO MINUTES.

You can argue than Considine deserved to go for his foul in the box but if we are going to start applying the rules in Celtic’s favour then count me out.

What was it Neil Lennon bleated about as he danced an Irish jig and threw potatoes at a picture of Walter Smith’s rugged features? To be treated the same as everyone else?

Well now they are being treated DIFFERENTLY than the rest, as last night’s ridiculous sending off demonstrated.

You could argue that Celtic scored three goals to win the game comfortably but I find myself wondering what would have happened had a STRONG referee been in charge such as Willie Collum or Dougie McDonald.

The again maybe Celtic have requested that they never referee their games again.

It wouldn’t surprise me if they’ve left the country and got new indentities after the pressure heaped on them by internet warriors recently. AND NEIL LENNON.

Level playing field? They’ve got a whole row of them and they’re full of potatoes.

GERS JUST MISS OUT ON CHAMPS LEAGUE GLORY so near but yet so far for Walter's warriors

Rangers were cruelly denied some much needed cash by Turkish minnows Bursaspor last night as the group whipping boys had the audacity to score an equalising goal with just minutes left on the clock.

The cash strapped Ibrox men missed out on a whopping £750,000 bonus which Martin Bain will now try to claim back from the Turkish upstarts as the dust settles on another Champions League master class from Rangers.

Walter Smith waved farewell to a competition which has been so good to him and his players over the years with the Gers boss enjoying SIX glorious wins at Europe’s top table.

And his player looked determined to add to that proud record as they poured forward from kick off as Smith lined up with a 7-3-0 formation designed to stretch Buraspor to the limit.

And with 15 minutes gone it paid off. A sweeping move involving 24 passes was eventually bulleted into the next by Miller and I could have been watching Barcelona, such was the quality of the move.

Naismith almost doubled the lead a few minutes later but was clearly shoved as he stretched to get on the end of a Cole cross which to be honest could have been Ronaldo such was his precision.

The Turkish players trooped off at the break looking a broken bunch as Rangers looked to add to their lead.

And the procession towards the Turskish goal continued in the second half as only some freak defending and blatant fouling stopped Gers adding to their lead.

Then on the hour Smith replaced goal hero Miller with James Beattie and Naismith with Vladimir Weiss who paused to restore the sight of an elderly gentleman before taking his place on the right wing.

The Turks responded to this by showing a complete lack of respect to Smith on his farewell Champions League appearance by attacking McGregor’s goal with the ball passing between them.

And with 12 minutes left they got their undeserved goal as young Cole – and early contender for player of the year – slipped and let a guy called Ozan Ipek through and his speculative and frankly weedy ball cruelly evaded Whittaker.

Even then luck proved to be Turkish as the ball hit Yildirim on the leg and the ball trickled over McGregor’s line as the keeper was being held down by 5 Turkish players and 4 substitutes.

Rangers poured forwards once more but the Turks held out for a point in what was a phenomenal campaign for Walter Smith and his warriors.

WHYTE KNIGHT JUST THE MAN FOR GERS

28th April 15.22 in Rangers, fakeover

By James' Trainers & Jack Keithson

Craig Whyte had a humble upbringing in Motherwell but now he is a trillionaire who owns 3 continents and has his own personal army.

The new owner of Rangers made his vast fortunes hiring out plants and working as a security guard but has taken financial blows along the way. It is this tenacity which will pleasure Sir David Murray in negotiations.

As a youngster he did a Sunday paper round and this early introduction to the financial world paved the way for the creation of his business empire.

He also attended the private Kelvinside Academy where he admits he found it tough going. “It was a rugby only school and they used me as the ball most days” he said. “I wanted to play football”.

He still did his paper round and also dabbled in the tablet/macaroon markets.

By the time he left school at 17 he had amassed £32.15.

It was around this time he set up his first business at The Barras International Shopping Mall in Glasgow, selling socks and lighters. Trade was brisk in the initial days but when the recession bit in the 90’s he had to shut up shop.

“That hurt” Whyte recalls, “I remember throwing all my unsold socks in the Clyde and it took all my resolve not to follow them in there.”

Some years later Whyte bounced back and became the owner of several mystery firms, and is now described as someone who has a lot of money.

He returned to his homeland a couple of years ago and paid an undisclosed massive sum for the whole of the Grampian Region which he now lives in. He wants to remain close to his roots and the purchase of Rangers will ensure this happens.

MURRAY NOT KRANKIE AS NEW DEAL BECKONS Sir David in shock deal with showbiz legends

Showbiz legends The Krankies have emerged as shock candidates to rescue Rangers Football Club from financial oblivion. The comedy duo are known to be huge fans of the Ibrox club and have the means to follow up their interest having amassed a vast fortune over the years with appearances in panto, Crackerjack and a season 4 episode of Murder Most Horrid.

We understand negotiations between Sir David Murray and Wee Jimmy Krankie have been ongoing for months with Daddy Krankie taking more of a back seat but there to give Wee Jimmy advice if needed. Sir David is understood to be impressed with the fact that Wee Jimmy always wears a blazer and immaculately polished shoes and is ready to sell if the price is right.

An Ibrox insider said last night: “Sir David is seriously considering the bid from Wee Jimmy and Dad Krankie. They’re Scottish, fans of the club and now that they have semi- retired from showbiz can devote the time needed to running a club the size of Rangers. It really would be Fandabidozi if they could strike a deal”.

One sticking point in the negotiations could be Daddy Krankie’s insistence that Wee Jimmy be part of Ally McCoist’s squad for the forthcoming season. We understand Wee Jimmy was a star for his primary seven football team and sees himself as a successor to Kyle Lafferty who is heading to Wycombe Wanderers in the summer.

The insider told us: “Dad Krankie wants Jimmy to be in Alastair’s plans for next season but it remains to be seen if a role can be found for him. Its a shame Kirk Broadfoot has signed a new deal as Wee Jimmy could have replaced him no problem. It was suggested Wee Jimmy be the new mascot but Dad Krankie was having none of it”.

The deal however should go through with a compromise being struck that during January and February Lee McCulloch will take Wee Jimmy’s place as the horses arse in Jack & The Beanstalk with Wee Jimmy toughening up the Rangers midfield.

The Krankies were unavailable for comment last night.

SURELY THIS MAN IS THE SON OF GOD by Jabba's Trainers

For a minute yesterday you could see deep into Walter Smith’s soul.

Not for long mind you. This is a man who keeps his emotions in check, a stoic pillar of integrity and honesty.

But at the final whistle yesterday, this elder statesman let his guard slip momentarily, like a defiant boxer distracted for a moment by a yearning call from the crowd.

As he stared around Hampden for the last time as Rangers boss he had a tear in his beautiful eyes, and I swear the reflection in his perfectly polished brogues was the face of God himself.

Smith has won much silverware as manager of this proud quintessential British institution but yesterday he reacted differently than normal.

Yesterday he opened up.

That fact alone was enough to have this writer sweating profusely and ready to pounce but the moment was only fleeting, there one minute then gone the next, an unfulfilled promise of that pot of gold we all strive for.

The ticker tape that filtered down from the stands must have felt like it came from the lord God himself, and where Smith is concerned it probably did. Then again there will always be a place in heaven for men like him.

As for Celtic manager Neil Lennon, where he was at this moment is unclear. Maybe he sat alone, reflecting on bringing everything onto his self, for that is what this man does. Or is he allowed to do or say anything without a Queens Counsel these days?

If he were in the stadium still, he should have studied his counterpart as he stood, weeping with happiness and thanking God the creator for his historic and earth shuddering League Cup win.

In fact, scrap that. God was probably waiting in a queue to talk to him.

LENNON RED LIGHT DISGRACE Celts boss in driving shame by Sunsport reporter

He claims he runs a gauntlet of hate from opposition supporters.

Now it appears he runs red lights too.

Neil Lennon bleats on a daily basis about referees and the laws of the game. Now it seems he can’t respect the law of the LAND he chooses to live in.

God knows what it’s like in Ireland where they drive horses and carts about but in Scotland traffic lights are there for a REASON.

I wanted to come on here today and talk about Lennon receiving another 6 match ban, about Scott Brown being a bad sport, about Walter Smith receiving a Knighthood.

Instead I have to write about Celtic’s own answer to Nigel Mansell sticking two fingers up to the law he blatantly cares nothing about. Well hell mend him.

Let’s see what happens the next time Anthony Stokes is brought down in the box by Davie Weir. Penalty? Nah sorry, laws don’t apply today. Nothing to see here, son.

I’ll bet Lennon will get sick of that pretty soon. Which is why his running a red light is tantamount to not stopping when required to.

Will it sink in? Will it chocolate.

He’ll keep running the red lights, parking on double yellows and letting the meter run that wee bit longer claiming he was away getting change.

I hope the powers that be see through it before it’s too late.

And hand Rangers the SPL title NOW. It’s the law.

THANKS A BILLION CRAIG! Whyte deal collapse just the tonic for Gers by Mark Hateful

News that Craig Whyte’s billion pound takeover may collapse might on the face of it look like a complete disaster for Rangers but with a sad predictability I think it will have the opposite effect altogether.

With adversity comes great responsibility and togetherness and this will surely see my old club triumph in the final Old Firm game of the season this Sunday.

Whilst followers of Celtic may gloat at this new turn of events they should remember that Rangers will now be like a cornered and wounded animal, ready to strike with a ferocious but dignified response.

You have to also remember this will be the last time Walter Smith takes his brown brogues of integrity down the marble staircase of tradition to face the side from the East End so let’s just say he’ll have his men practising penalties this week.

I may be biased but I’d like to see a sound thrashing delivered by Walter.

Then I’d love him to drive Rangers on to a famous victory this Sunday which will see the SPL title retained and my old soap dropping chum Alistair begin next season with a clear psycho advantage over his adversity Neil Lennon.

You can bet Walter will also feel satisfied before and after the game.

He will also be boosted by the return of Lee McCulloch, who will add an extra piece of steel to his boots and to the midfield in general.

When you think about it logically, you would come to a totally different conclusion that I would, but I think the total collapse of Craig Whyte’s takeover bid and complete lack of investment in new players will be the kick up the collective backsides of the entire Rangers squad.

So to Mr Whyte I say thank you very much. By walking away from the deal you’ve galvanised a squad of players who would literally run through brick walls for their manager. Just remember though, don’t come crying when the Champions League trophy sits in the cabinet in two years time.

As told to Keith’s Jacksie

DON'T WRECK MY IBROX DREAM striker in come and get me plea

East Stirling striker Scott Johnstone has issued a “come and get me” plea to Rangers.

Record Sport can reveal the ace marksman’s representatives have made contact with the Ibrox giants and business may be done in the summer transfer window.

Johnstone, signed from Forfar West End after spells with Dundee youths, is said to be unsettled and unlikely to feature in manager Jim McInally’s plans for the rest of the season.

The deal could hinge on trillionaire Craig Whyte’s takeover deal being pushed through before the window springs open in July but Walter Smith will hope that he can prise some cash from the club’s bankers if that doesn’t happen.

And even if Smith gets the green light for the audacious swoop his assistant Ally McCoist still has to decide on what players he would like when he takes over next season.

Johnstone knows he would have to take a significant pay cut to live out his Ibrox dream but is prepared to do that in exchange for regular first team football.

Even if Smith secures the funding he craves he faces stiff opposition for Johnstone’s signature in the shape of Albion Rovers and Annan Athletic.

A RISE SIR WALTER? YES PLEASE! by Mark Hateful

AS the clock ticks down with dignity towards Walter Smith’s final hours as Rangers boss it is surely now time for Her Majesty the Queen to consider a knighthood for the greatest ever Scottish manager.

As someone who takes immense pleasure seeing Walter kneel before me I’m sure The Queen will feel those same emotions as she bestows this greatest of honours which is frankly overdue in my eyes.

Sir Walter Smith? Has a nice ring. And the name sounds good too.

Once the Rangers boss has visited the palace it will be Sir Walter rally as he gets the players together for the final push towards SPL glory.

My old gaffer has gone on record as saying this current side is similar to the nine in a row one and he’ll get no argument from me.

Players like Lee McCulloch, Kirk Broadfoot and Kyle Lafferty are scarily similar to my old colleagues Scottish Nisbet, Alexander Cleland and Gary Bollan from those crazy days.

And despite accusations of boring defensive tactics, Walter now has this side playing in an extremely offensive manner which again reminds me of Rangers sides of the past.

So Buckingham Palace, draw up the honours list. Get the most dignified sword you can find. Prepare for Walter and make sure Sarah Ferguson is available to keep Alistair busy for an hour or so. Just remember my invitation.

As told to James' Trainers