LEGGO GLAND giving it to you twisted

Where was Odious Creep when the splendid Rangers chairman, Alastair Johnston, was giving his press conference on Friday?

Was he enjoying brunch with Cardinal Keith O’Brien at a secret convent somewhere?

Or indeed supping communion wine with Stewart Regan and Peter Lawwell whilst plotting his next anti-Rangers story?

I decided that I must find out, and took to the streets of the East End of Glasgow, where surely Creep was lurking.

Was he propping up the bar in Bairds, drinking Oirish ale and regaling stories of time spent in the old country?

Or maybe visiting a housewife, her husband working hard in Govan, trying to get into her bedchamber using his slithery ways, discarding his corduroys of hate as he goes?

To walk the streets of the East End, I would have to don yet ANOTHER disguise, and it would have to feature the green of Ireland, which would burn my Presbyterian skin, but it would surely take me to Creep.

Where better to find a suitable garment, that the Celtic Park shop, where I cold peruse the sales rack, as I am a tight old bastard.

The only thing in my price range, was a pair of Celtic pyjamas, so I made my purchase, and set off into the street, to relentlessly pursue the Odious one.

It started to pour with rain, but I felt it strangely cleansing my burning skin, so I removed my pyjama top, and started to dance in triumph, for I knew Creep was within my grasp.

A white van approached – was this Creep, travelling with the head of the Roman Catholic Church, saying mobile masses?

Two men jumped out, with a large net, and bundled me into the van. Were they followers of Creep I asked?

They told me that any questions, I had, would be answered, at the institution we were heading to!

A guest at Ibrox at last – stick that in your incense burner and smoke it, Creep!

LECK 'EM HAVE IT by Leccy Bill

With half an hour to go at Easter Road you could have picked your seat.

Neil Lennon should have tried one out for size seeing as his holiday from the dugout is approaching.

He would probably complain it was the wrong size or shape though. That’s the way he is these days.

He had just watched his side beat Hibs by 3 goals to nil and you can bet your last British pound that he was complaining about something or other.

It’s in his nature. He can’t help himself.

He’s the ginger whinger, the Irish irritant.

With Gary Hooper taking 3 touches before eventually squeezing in the opener, Lennon would be better off coaching rather than complaining.

Not that I’m bothered, I hate the bigot brothers and the so-called EssPeeEll. Couldn’t give a flying monkeys toss about them. Really I couldn’t, honest.

So when Anthony Stokes stroked home a soft penalty then got lucky with a hooked shot you can take it as read that carrot top was bumping his gums to someone about it.

Me? I really wanted this report to be all about the football, the brilliant passes, the stunning goals, the moments that got you OFF your seat not out of them and home by half time.

But again it’s all about referees, linesmen, the corrupt SFA and Oirish music played at top speed to drunken louts in plastic pubs.

Lennon? He won’t care, he’s too busy complaining that his beer is too flat or the jukebox is too loud.

Enjoy the game from the stand, Neil.

You won’t find me complaining about that.

IT'S ALL NICEY FOR WEISSY new Gers star is best in the world by MARK HATELEY

There it stood reaching skywards for all to see at Easter Road yesterday, a proud defiant erection which sent out a message of hope.

That’s enough about my reaction to the debut of Vladimir Weiss for now but I’ll return to it later. It would not be right to just focus on the performance of one player though. Yesterday my former club were simply irresistible.

The SPL trophy was retained with a clinical demolition job of hapless Hibernian. My old gaffer Walter Smith has manufactured a side this season in his own image which means dignity, honesty, courage and integrity allied to no little skill. This could well be the year the European Cup rests in the Ibrox trophy cabinet.

Bear in mind this stunning victory was achieved in the face of severe provocation from a Hibernian side fashioned by ex-Celtic player John Hughes. A vicious cranium nod by serial thug and former Celt Derek Riordan left Rangers keeper Alan McGregor fuming and it was only the fact he quickly got to his feet that saved Riordan from being sent packing.

Kyle Lafferty too was victim of grievous bodily harm by a football which is one of the worst things a fellow professional can do to another. Lafferty is to be commended for his mild reaction to this most disgusting of acts and will surely now win the coveted player of the year award at the end of the season.

Luckily Kenneth Miller overcame the thuggish tactics from his former club and put them to the sword of dignity with a trio of goals. Walter may find himself having to use a sword to repel bids from Barcelona and Inter if his stunning form continues.

Then there was Weiss, the youngster with the footballing world at his feet of integrity who put in a performance reminiscent of Maradona in his prime. Even though I’ve never met him I know he is a man of courage who speaks 12 languages and funds orphanages in his native Slovakia. It is this type of player my wily old grey haired gaffer needs for this coming campaign.

So engravers everywhere, sharpen your tools. Put down your newspapers. Finish your lunches. And get the name of Rangers on the SPL trophy for 2010/2011

As told to James Traynor

TOP SCOTS REF IN HOT WATER WITH PARENTS AFTER "NO SANTA" CLAIMS

Referee Dougie McDonald is in hot water with Mums and Dads throughout Scotland after revealing in a radio interview that Santa Claus doesn’t exist.

In the wake of the controversy we decided to ask top Scottish managers their opinions on what Dougie had revealed, with some startling results.

Rangers manager Walter Smith wasn’t particularly surprised by McDonald’s revelations. “I’ve suspected for some time there was no Santa but as someone who gets presents every time we play a game of football it doesn’t bother me. I won’t have anyone question the existence of say The Loch Ness Monster though.”

Hearts boss Jim Jeffries laughed off the claims. “Nae Santa? Aye right! Next you’ll be claimin Tynecastle is goin tae be knocked doon for hooses!”

Rookie St Mirren manager Danny Lennon conceded that McDonald had a point. “Tell me this, how come theres loads of Santas in shops and stuff near Christmas and theres only meant to be one? I think its just folk in suits.”

Veteran Craig Brown, going great guns with Motherwell, offered this view. “Statistically there is just no way Santa Claus can circumnavigate the earth in the 24 hours offered by Chistmas Eve, so Dougie’s integrity is intact with this one”

Ex-Dundee Utd legend Jim McLean shook his head when he heard the claims. “Of course there is a Santa – in fact there is an established system on Lapland where he is the number one, with all his elves on 25 year contracts to be his helpers. Any elves turning up late or found to be stealing presents will be hit by a fine, and asked to exercise the reindeer for 24 hours solid.”

Dunfermline Director Of Football Jim Leishman offered a unique take on the claims.

No Santa Clause? Whatever next!

No fairies, pixies or ghosts exist?

Is Christmas dashed, is Yuletide destroyed?

Oh we cannot deny our kids their toys!

Please, please Dougie change your words

Just like in the papers, you lying turd

RANGERS IN GUARD OF HONOUR TRIBUTE

Remember when the might Manchester United held Rangers to a draw despite Walter Smith's men attacking them for 90 minutes last season? You don't?

Dundee United will form a guard of honour to welcome Rangers onto the pitch at Ibrox this Saturday, Record Sport understands.

Players and officials, including manager Peter Houston, will applaud their opponents as they emerge from the tunnel in recognition of their brilliant achievement at Old Trafford earlier this week.

Also in attendance shall be top brass from UEFA who will present each of the heroic warriors who held Manchester United to a draw with a commemorative medal and shield.

And, in a move which will surely enrage the hardcore element of the Rangers support, it has emerged that secret talks have been held with the CATHOLIC CHURCH after they were informed of the result at Old Trafford. Vatican officals are keen to see whether it can be registered as an official MIRACLE.

After the match which Rangers win 5-0 there will be an open topped bus on hand but instead of a parade the vehicle will simply be parked for 90 minutes.

IZYY STAYING? IZZY HELL! defender wants out and wants out NOW!

By Jack Keithson

Celtic defender Emilio Izagguire last night issued a “come and get me” plea to every club in the EPL.

The Honduran, who added the SPL player of the year title to the PFA one already secured on Sunday, now looks certain to leave Glasgow in a £6m deal after only one year in the city.

In a move sure to enrage Parkhead supporters and his manager Neil Lennon, Izagguire lambasted the standard in Scotland’s top league and vowed never to return in the future, even to do the half time draw.

Speaking exclusively to Record Sport last night, Izagguire said: “I am overjoyed to win this second award and now I must concentrate only on winning the double with Celtic, the club I have fallen in love with and will never leave. I am so, so happy to be here”.

With Premiership big guns Liverpool, Manchester United and Everton waiting in the wings to secure the Honduran’s signature it looks certain that the Scottish Cup final will be the last time Parkhead fans see their favourite in a hoops jersey.

“My family are happy here, I am happy here, the planets have aligned and I feel now this is my home. I have absolutely no desire to leave here at any time in the future, especially to England. I am 100% happy, happy, happy la la la la la!”

With just five appearances left, including a Hampden final, many Celtic fans will feel short changed after seeing the Honduran’s talents for only one fleeting season.

Izagguire, though, doesn’t see it that way and feels it is up to him to further his career.

“I’m ready to sign a new ten year deal to stay here straight after this interview” said the departing double prize winning defender.

Aberdeen Don For By Poor Refereeing.... Celts a disgrace in 3-0 stroll

By Robert Aggrieved and Leccy Bill

They say football is all about eleven versus eleven.

Unless of course you happen to be Celtic.

Then you have a whistle happy referee reducing the opposition to ten men and making the game a FARCICAL MESS.

I wanted to write about the goals scored by Aberdeen today, the pieces of skill, the outrageous showboating, the look of horror on Neil Lennon’s coupon.

Instead yet again I’m writing about a Celtic victory achieved only after Aberdeen saw their numbers cut after TWO MINUTES.

You can argue than Considine deserved to go for his foul in the box but if we are going to start applying the rules in Celtic’s favour then count me out.

What was it Neil Lennon bleated about as he danced an Irish jig and threw potatoes at a picture of Walter Smith’s rugged features? To be treated the same as everyone else?

Well now they are being treated DIFFERENTLY than the rest, as last night’s ridiculous sending off demonstrated.

You could argue that Celtic scored three goals to win the game comfortably but I find myself wondering what would have happened had a STRONG referee been in charge such as Willie Collum or Dougie McDonald.

The again maybe Celtic have requested that they never referee their games again.

It wouldn’t surprise me if they’ve left the country and got new indentities after the pressure heaped on them by internet warriors recently. AND NEIL LENNON.

Level playing field? They’ve got a whole row of them and they’re full of potatoes.

GERS JUST MISS OUT ON CHAMPS LEAGUE GLORY so near but yet so far for Walter's warriors

Rangers were cruelly denied some much needed cash by Turkish minnows Bursaspor last night as the group whipping boys had the audacity to score an equalising goal with just minutes left on the clock.

The cash strapped Ibrox men missed out on a whopping £750,000 bonus which Martin Bain will now try to claim back from the Turkish upstarts as the dust settles on another Champions League master class from Rangers.

Walter Smith waved farewell to a competition which has been so good to him and his players over the years with the Gers boss enjoying SIX glorious wins at Europe’s top table.

And his player looked determined to add to that proud record as they poured forward from kick off as Smith lined up with a 7-3-0 formation designed to stretch Buraspor to the limit.

And with 15 minutes gone it paid off. A sweeping move involving 24 passes was eventually bulleted into the next by Miller and I could have been watching Barcelona, such was the quality of the move.

Naismith almost doubled the lead a few minutes later but was clearly shoved as he stretched to get on the end of a Cole cross which to be honest could have been Ronaldo such was his precision.

The Turkish players trooped off at the break looking a broken bunch as Rangers looked to add to their lead.

And the procession towards the Turskish goal continued in the second half as only some freak defending and blatant fouling stopped Gers adding to their lead.

Then on the hour Smith replaced goal hero Miller with James Beattie and Naismith with Vladimir Weiss who paused to restore the sight of an elderly gentleman before taking his place on the right wing.

The Turks responded to this by showing a complete lack of respect to Smith on his farewell Champions League appearance by attacking McGregor’s goal with the ball passing between them.

And with 12 minutes left they got their undeserved goal as young Cole – and early contender for player of the year – slipped and let a guy called Ozan Ipek through and his speculative and frankly weedy ball cruelly evaded Whittaker.

Even then luck proved to be Turkish as the ball hit Yildirim on the leg and the ball trickled over McGregor’s line as the keeper was being held down by 5 Turkish players and 4 substitutes.

Rangers poured forwards once more but the Turks held out for a point in what was a phenomenal campaign for Walter Smith and his warriors.