LEGGO GLAND giving it to you twisted

Oh dear readers of proud Britannia, my head throbs violently today, like the violent rule of the Vatican of Rome!

As last night I attended a special exclusive club, where I imbibed several gallons of Anglo Saxon real ale, and other fluids besides, with a passion.

A PASSION THAT ALLY MCCOIST WILL INSTILL IN HIS PLAYERS NEXT SEASON!

For the new Rangers boss needs to fire up his men, or invite me to do it for him.

No doubt over at Parkhead, Neil Lennon, the manager of Celtic, will urge his men to attend mass before every game played at their home ground.

A MASS CONDUCTED BY POPE BENEDICT HIMSELF AND SEVERAL NUNS!

But it is matters at Ibrox that populate my thoughts, in my head, which was still thumping like my leg, against my desk, as I watch my DVD of Rangers greatest communal baths.

In fact, a letter arrived to me today, through my letterbox, in an envelope, with my name on it.

It was an invite to all press conferences at the home of Rangers next season, cunningly disguised by the new owner as freshly laid animal faeces, which dripped onto my socks making them reminiscent of Walter Smith’s finest brogues.

What an honour, and one which led me to my drinks cabinet once more, where I salvaged the last of my paint thinner and supped it heartily.

BUT THIS LED TO HUNGER!

I decided to walk into the dear Green place for some traditional British fare, the humble fish supper.

Walking towards me was a man and woman carrying what looked like suppers of fish, but I could not be certain, of which fruit of the seas they had bought.

I doffed my cap and asked the female whether the aroma coming from her was haddock or cod, as the smell was making my mouth water.

As I recovered in hospital with multiple fractures, I cursed the very name of Odious Creep.

McCoist in "secret player" swoop by Robert Aggrieved

Ally McCoist will step up his search for new talent in the wake of last night’s elimination from the Champions League by Malmo.

The Rangers boss has said he will leave “no curling stone unturned” as he looks to bolster his squad for the gruelling season ahead.

Although the club lost out on a potential £15m windfall last night Craig Whyte remains a Motherwell born tycoon and McCoist will demand a meeting to clarify just how much he will have to spend before the transfer window slams shut at the end of August.

It is understood Annan Athletic have rejected two bids for their reserve goalkeeper as McCoist looks to keep Allan McGregor on his toes but the Ibrox boss has warned he will not be held to ransom over the deal.

In a new strategy McCoist will travel all over Lanarkshire and Dundee this week taking in games on public parks in the hope of landing the next Jim Baxter who at one time would have played on a public park when he was a small child with his pals.

Explaining his new approach to recruitment, McCoist said: “If I can spot the new Dalglish or Broadfoot watching these games then it will all be worth it. If someone catches my eye I’ll give them a chance. Ball control like Patsy Kensit eh, eh, eh!”

Finally conceding defeat in the chase for David Goodwillie was hard to accept for McCoist but he admitted it finally hit him when he saw the player in a Blackburn jersey this morning.

“We’ll put a ninth bid in this evening” he said tapping his nose.

Don't dash our xmas dreams! Parents in plea to ref by Huge Neevkins

Referee Dougie McDonald is in hot water with Mums and Dads throughout Scotland after revealing in a radio interview that Santa Claus doesn’t exist.

In the wake of the controversy we decided to ask top Scottish managers their opinions on what Dougie had revealed, with some startling results.

Rangers manager Walter Smith wasn’t particularly surprised by McDonald’s revelations. “I’ve suspected for some time there was no Santa but as someone who gets presents every time we play a game of football it doesn’t bother me. I won’t have anyone question the existence of say The Loch Ness Monster though.”

Hearts boss Jim Jeffries laughed off the claims. “Nae Santa? Aye right! Next you’ll be claimin Tynecastle is goin tae be knocked doon for hooses!”

Rookie St Mirren manager Danny Lennon conceded that McDonald had a point. “Tell me this, how come theres loads of Santas in shops and stuff near Christmas and theres only meant to be one? I think its just folk in suits.”

Veteran Craig Brown, going great guns with Motherwell, offered this view. “Statistically there is just no way Santa Claus can circumnavigate the earth in the 24 hours offered by Chistmas Eve, so Dougie’s integrity is intact with this one”

Ex-Dundee Utd legend Jim McLean shook his head when he heard the claims. “Of course there is a Santa – in fact there is an established system on Lapland where he is the number one, with all his elves on 25 year contracts to be his helpers. Any elves turning up late or found to be stealing presents will be hit by a fine, and asked to exercise the reindeer for 24 hours solid.”

Dunfermline Director Of Football Jim Leishman offered a unique take on the claims.

No Santa Clause? Whatever next!

No fairies, pixies or ghosts exist?

Is Christmas dashed, is Yuletide destroyed?

Oh we cannot deny our kids their toys!

Please, please Dougie change your words

Just like in the papers, you lying turd

Turks in Brown swoop shock! by Jack Keithson

Turkish giants Galatasaray could enter the bidding for want away Celtic captain Scott Brown.

Brown has just given birth to his first son and the chance of a new life in Turkey will appeal to him and his wife Lisa.

Old pal Kenny Miller plays in Turkey and Brown has never hidden a burning desire to join him. And although he insisted he was happy at Celtic only last week he had his fingers crossed behind his back as he did so.

Brown’s best pal Kevin Thomson, currently at Middlesbrough, could conceivably be a signing target for a Turkish club in the future and this could clinch a deal for mega rich Gala.

Former Leicester star Muzzy Izzet used to play for Turkey and of course Martin O’Neill was his manager once, and of course he also managed Celtic. Brown currently plays for Celtic. You do the maths.

Interest in Brown has heightened since it became apparent that Ally McCoist doesn’t have a pot to piss in and it is believed all other Celtic stars are up for sale as long as this continues.

Craig Whtye continues to own a castle in Speyside.

Strachan - technology drove me out of football

Gordon Strachan felt the world was against him. Not the world of football he had lived in since his days at Dundee but the wide, wide world – the REAL world.

Not the non-PC internet land where the mouse wielding gangsters wage their war against all things real. This was the world Strachan thought existed for real men.

The ex-Celtic boss bristles at the thought of computers running the land. “When I started playing you had a ball, a pair of boots and a senior pro beating you on a daily basis. Now, you have the senior pro’s ordering boots on the internets. It’s not the world I grew up in”.

It’s easy to take yourself back to the world Strachan is talking about, where smoking in pubs and taking lager to the match was the norm. Old school? Strachan spent time behind the bike sheds with Queen Victoria.

“I remember when I was at Aberdeen, and the story went that Alex Ferguson threw tea cups in the dressing room. Wrong – he threw TEA at us, gallons of boiling hot tea. Did it do us any harm? Well I can show you a winner’s medal against Madrid.”

Strachan had grand plans for Middlesbrough, the side he too charge of after the random access memory reprobates drove him out of the club he loved. The experience turned sour after he learned that even Boro fans had access to the internet – or the devilnet as he calls it now.

“We were doing great down there me and Penders. I had players I could depend on like Calds, Robbo, Boydie and Mick. Then I discovered that in the North East technology was everywhere – even the team bus had a DVD player on it. It wasn’t the world I grew up in. It drove me out in the end”.

A spat with a female supporter was the last straw. Old school? Strachan played hopscotch with Anne of Cleaves.

“A supporter – a woman, or at least I think she was – questioned my style of football. I told her my wife had watched 5000 games and had never voiced an opinion so she should shut up and get a cleaning job or something. It’s dangerous out there, they give them jobs in offices and hospitals with computers and keyboards. You have to be careful. They are watching me, all day every day. With computers”.

CELTS STARS SET TO GO SOUTH chaos at Parkhead

Every club in the EPL is ready to swoop for any Celtic player having a decent season, Sunsportunderstands.

With old firm rivals Rangers set to lose their major stars in January it looks as though scouts will be flocking to Celtic Park in a bitter blow to Neil Lennon.

Youngster James Forrest is attracting attention and will be sold to Liverpool, Bolton or Newcastle along with returning talisman Emilio Izaguirre.

The news is a further twist of the knife for the Parkhead faithful who were hopeful of keeping their star men in the face of Rangers losing top players like Nikica Jelavic and Allan McGregor.

With others such as Gary Hooper (Manchester City or Wigan) and Beram Kayal (QPR or Spurs) set to leave the potential 10 point deduction for the Ibrox men doesn’t look anywhere near as damaging as it should be.

The stunning news is a massive boost to Ally McCoist who will be handed a whopping £25m war chest in January to rebuild his side.

Keith Jackson